Having a December birthday always creates a difficulty for celebrating. There are only so many days in the month, so many weekends, so many evenings, and so many times when others are not involved, well, celebrating! My grandson and granddaughter join me in having December birthdays, as well as many friends. It is a good month, an important month, and an incredibly busy and a beautiful month, despite the possibility of evil weather and utter exhaustion.

This birthday is truly a milestone because I turned 70 years old. That, unto itself, is incredible to me…the very number shocking and overwhelming. I am so eternally grateful for my good health (including my ostomy, named Lily) as well as my hopefully exciting future.

But there are times when I give in and go to that dark place where fear resides in the very back of my mind. I am 44 years old and hours from death. And then that scenario repeated itself two more times within the next few months. So by the time I turned 45, I had said my “goodbyes,” and “I love you’s” to my loving husband and darling daughters three times, as my terribly infirmed body had countless tubes, IVs and other lines in places I never imagined possible. I had asked my loving sisters to be surrogate mothers to my girls, and to support Bruce in my absence. Death loomed as inevitable that year and many to follow, but as my Rabbi told me, “it wasn’t my time.”

So I have gratitude for every birthday, and with the gratitude, comes more and more of an ability to distance myself mentally from my poor health. Deny the impact; deny the fear; deny the pain. However, at this moment, I embrace the reality, embrace the knowledge acquired, embrace the strength and determination. My life is infinitely better than it would have been had I not traveled that road, learned what I know. I am loving and I am able to feel loved. I am giving and I am able to receive. I am able to anticipate the needs of others and enable them to know my own needs.

My book of life has chapters to be written, and until “it is my time,” I intend to keep writing them. I am very excited! There is so much more to do, to say, to guide, to know, to share and to love, and that is what turning 70 as a healthy woman has taught me!

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