So what is a nice girl like me, a Fashion Corner writer, doing in a conversation about intimacy? My love of fashion improves my quality of life and makes me feel alive and healthy. As a result, I am interested in exploring all the ways in which we feel good about ourselves, and clearly feeling comfortable enjoying my honey is paramount to me, and my self-esteem.

For the many years around two small bowel resections and my sub-total colectomy, intimacy was a true struggle. It needed to be planned as one would a trip to Mars, right down to the timing between frequency in the bathroom to before a meal. If we were meeting other couples for dinner, my husband, Bruce, would have to stop home before we went out, and if that plan was waylaid, then another week might go by. Spontaneity, which is a goal of many couples, was not anything we could master. There were times when I thought the entire thing was just not worth it! And I felt quite undesirable with my constant issues. In fact, in between my 23 surgeries, we would jokingly (or not) suggest our intimacy was just never going to happen again, and that was the way it would have to be. And then I had my ileostomy…

From the beginning, I realized that the constant restroom frequency was very different since I wasn’t rushing from one bathroom to another. And my abdomen was no longer greatly distended and hard. In fact, my body returned to its normal size, and I actually noticed that since I was no longer in pain, I walked more erectly than I had in years, decades. My skin had a glow, looked brighter and healthier, and the smile on my face was real, and not just posted to make others feel better when they saw me. My confidence was growing, and I was so happy. More and more, I noticed that I was ready to make our intimacy part of my healing, and I was feeling loving and lovable again!

An ostomy can certainly bring with it unique challenges, but I am more than up to dealing with them. I have created a little protocol that puts me in the right mood, as well as lets Bruce know I am “getting ready!” The first step is to either empty or change my high-output pouch, and then decide which of my pretty and feminine Intimacy Wraps I want to wear. My collection includes pink and black lace and they make me feel confident and sexy.

The wrap is not only pretty, but practical, in that it provides a place for the pouch to fit securely. The cutout area inside is for the standard-size pouch, but since my high-output pouch is longer and wider by a few inches, I tape mine to my abdomen so it doesn’t fall down. This is not a bad idea for any ostomate, however, since movement may cause the pouch to fall out of its little home. The last thing any of us want is to be worrying about slippage. And although I love the feminine version of the Wrap, they do come in masculine styles, as well.

Bruce and I have been together for over five decades, and have learned to make the best of those moments when we can truly be there with each other. He was there for me in the emergency rooms, the clinics, the post-ops and the tests. Recognizing how many mountains we have climbed together has brought us closer than I ever thought possible, and physically sharing that is a gift we give each other.

Some ostomates have told me that they are embarrassed about their new anatomy, and are so worried their partner will shame them. I have reminded them that they have control over the partner they select, and that nobody is to ever be shamed about their body in any situation! Additionally, sharing loving moments with another is a great gift, and that gift deserves fulfillment and closeness.

For those who are meeting new partners and worried their ostomy will be an issue in the bedroom, I recommend having that discussion well before heading into an intimate setting. Show your partner the pouch and appliance from your emergency kit, and when you are comfortable, your own stoma. Explain that your ostomy has saved your life and that you are proud of your resilience and ability to adapt. If they deserve to be with you, they will respond appropriately.

It is my belief that satisfaction is in the mind, the heart and the connection two people create. Most importantly, do what makes you feel your best, your most desirable. For me, it is my Intimacy Wrap, my spirit, my desire, and perhaps a little spray of fragrance!

Originally published in the Phoenix Magazine. 

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