I know it is the “Wendy Effect!” It is so hard to hang up the phone or say goodbye to a friend or family member without saying those intimate words. Losing Wendy, such a dear person, a Chosen Sister, so quickly without the chance to say tell her how much she meant to me one more time has truly etched its way into my psyche. She was my third very close loss within a few months and that has taken its toll on me. I never want to look back and realize I missed my opportunity to share my feelings with those so important in my life.

As the days pass, the fragility of life screams into my ears, and it being the winter certainly enhances my dreary outlook. But I am determined to find my equilibrium and know it will take time. Part of finding my pace is recognizing that mourning is a process, just as creating wonderful relationships is a process. One cannot rush either process, despite the desire to do so.

In attempting to deal with my grieving process, I have set my goals, in hopes they help to distract from my reality. I want to do more Motivational Speaking, perhaps begin a new Ostomy Support Group, become more of an Advocate for the United Ostomy Association of America, do more writing, knitting and reading, and enjoy the days as they come my way. I have spent my life planning my days, and that has quelled the anxiety of not being productive, perhaps driving me more than necessary. Sometimes, that provides joy and fulfillment, while other times, I want to yell at my inner voice and ask to be released from the whip that makes me push harder. Regardless, however, the pain of loss is very great.

If Wendy, Mike or Adam were here, as they should be, I would tell them I love them, as I so often did. I never want to look back on any relationship and know that I missed that opportunity. We never know what tomorrow, or even today, will bring, but I want to rest assured that those I love never have any doubt…because rather than just knowing it, I have said those important words.

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