ANIMALGATE IN THE QUARANTINE ERA

First, I want to thank everyone who responded to my last blog…obviously, everyone loves FOOD and many told me they are working on a “supper swap” with others. Bear in mind that Bruce and I are exceptionally fortunate because my sister, Michele, and brother-in-law, Ira (who is like our brother) are incredible in the kitchen, having owned TAKE-ALONG GOURMET in Millburn, New Jersey, for over 2 decades. Their culinary skills are legend, and truthfully Michele would turn her closet into a kitchen and I would gladly change my kitchen into a closet…enough said!

But like the yin and yang of life…good food, bad animal karma! These past few weeks have brought our exterminator into our home more often than we had ever imagined. We have major exposure to animals who should not be in our home, so with mask and gloves, we have made friends with several exterminators.

This how it began: a few weeks ago, I went down to the basement to do my work out and there was a dead mouse on the indoor-outdoor carpet. Poor Mickey or Minnie…I didn’t get close enough to make that determination. After I yelled for a minute or two, okay screamed for him, Bruce came down in hazmat gear, with big winter gloves and heavy shoes and a shovel and brought our visitor to the backyard, amongst the leaves.

No sooner had we collected our thoughts when we heard a familiar racket in our attic and knew a squirrel was paying us a visit. We are not strangers to squirrels living on “Acorn” Road, but we hadn’t had one for a long time. Said squirrel meant a call for our exterminator, who couldn’t come for a few days. That was a Friday. By Sunday, this aggressive critter actually chewed a small hole through the sheetrock in the ceiling and Bruce and I put putty in the hole to keep him from making more of an opening. Our exterminator explained that he also chewed his way into the roof and that was his entrance. But wait, there’s more…there were three areas of entry so he was very busy! Humane traps didn’t work, despite peanut butter crackers, and finally, two weeks later, a roofer was able to seal the spots. So long, Gray Squirrel, or so we hoped!

Feeling a sense of relief not felt in weeks, our home finally critter-free, I am writing in my office and, I kid you not, we heard another rustling in the attic! This animal sounded lighter on his feet, banging into every wall in the attic. To say we have become experts in the cacophony of sounds these critters make is simply crazy, but actually, we are!

Welcome back to our exterminator who asks, “Have you ever heard of Flying Squirrels?” Well, the answer is yes, and not because we used to watch Bullwinkle and Rocky but because we have had them over the years, as well! And if you are thinking, how cute, a flying squirrel, I will tell you they are NOT cute. Especially since they are nocturnal and they arrive at the Mantell Motel in the dark of night and don’t leave until dawn…scurrying around right above our bed. I have removed the Welcome Mat, the Vacancy sign, nothing inviting, believe me. But with no encouragement at all, the flying squirrel returns to our home every night.

So now we await someone to find the entry areas for the flying squirrels praying they don’t gain access to our bedroom. I have heard the expression, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer,” but honestly, I am more terrified of these critters than major abdominal surgery!

Oh, and by the way, lest you think that was all of Animalgate, I have one more to mention. Bruce and I were putting his files away in the basement this week and lo and behold, there was a chipmunk and again, Alvin is cute in cartoons, but when one is in your basement, it isn’t cute…sick and wobbly, probably poisoned by one of the many mouse traps outside. Sadly, he too died and Bruce had to gear up on hazmat wardrobe and take him to the backyard.

Yesterday, however, may have been a great way to end our saga…a gutter cleaner (I am suggesting he be canonized, and Bruce for thinking of him) found an entry to our attic big enough for a nerf football to enter. My new best friend put up metal and dare I speak, “so far so good.” Last night was the first in week we did not hear any visitors, and believe me, I was vigilant!

I have always loved the story of Noah’s Ark, and the thought of two by two is very lovely, but enough is enough. I am appreciative that thus far, all of the animals have been single file, not arriving in pairs to our knowledge. It has been a challenging time, but we are hoping that the next animals we see are not IN our home, but enjoying the OUTSIDE where they belong!