My daily affirmations greet me each morning as I prepare my coffee and they often set the tone of the day. For the most part, they are upbeat and encouraging, a “cheerleader” for my soul and inspire me to do my best. Even my husband Bruce comments on some of them, remarking this is a “good one today!” Just last week, coincidentally, Election Day, the affirmation was “And you don’t always win, but if you try, you don’t always lose.” The quote is attributed to Rebecca Solnit.
Why something resonates with us is always my wonder. I suppose our frame of mind has something to do with it, and clearly, the concept of winning and losing on Election Day speaks volumes about what is in the minds of so many that day. But more than that, I wonder about the idea that we must be winners or losers, nothing in between. There are countless moments in life that are not about winning or losing, just about doing. In fact, if we think about it, I suppose there are more moments that have nothing to do with checking the win or lose box. The fear I have is actually around our reliance on others to judge our wins/losses, and that is an unwinnable game, I believe.
Have we gotten the message, however, that if we can’t possibly win at something, that others have not noticed our accomplishments, there is no point in even trying? Have we become so complacent about effort that we only put it forth when we are guaranteed the win, or be guaranteed to be noticed? Do we so need to have validation of the outcome that we take no chances; fear making a mistake; worry about having to face another and admit a failure?
When we are children, we fail at so many things, over and over again, until we master an activity. That is how we learn, grow, conquer our environment, build our confidence. Think about the very basic ability to walk. How many times does a toddler fall in their continuous attempt to take their first steps? The open arms and cajoling, motivating voice of parents, siblings, teachers, grandparents represent winning. But these little ones have lost many, many times until they make it across the room. For some, the glory is less in the arrival at the end of the room than the getting there, step by step.
Winning and losing have many faces, and I believe that we need to wear them throughout life. I worry that we look to others to validate our success and without that validation, we feel we have lost. We become frightened and tell ourselves we are not capable of achieving our goals…better to let them go than be a loser. If we are afraid to take steps, try our hand, be vulnerable and human, lose in the battlefield of living, we will miss out on so much. We will never know until we try and trying means not necessarily succeeding. But if we remember that it is acceptable, powerful, to reach for the stars, knowing full well we will not pull one from the sky, we will recognize that we have so much more we are able to do than simply look upward. We can congratulate ourselves on our own jobs well done, and not need another to let us know we have succeeded!
As always, dear Ellyn, your written words, when read aloud, fill me with hope and determination. Please continue to share.
Such lovely thoughts today I needed your strength this afternoon
Simply brilliant , thank you
This is an Outstanding essay Ellyn I’d love to see you publish a book .
As always, Ellyn, you write with encouragement and hope and I applaud you for that. Sometimes, it is hard to be that positive in the throes of pain or discomfort, especially chronic pain, but when the pain eases, we all tend to think back and say, “hmmm, I got through that and it wasn’t so bad.’ I love having you head up our ostomy support group, take care and will see you next month, Mary Ann