I cannot remember when I realized that things that may feel personal, may not be, and because of that, I did not have to react to them with pain or sadness. In fact, I did not have to react at all, it is a choice I have. Wow! That was an awareness that liberated me, empowering me in ways that I am going to try to explain.
Many years ago, in my therapy, I spoke repeatedly about the behavior of a loved one, lamenting that the person was, in my opinion, hypercritical and frequently angry, misunderstanding me and my intentions and being extremely negative around me. My therapist pointed out that yes, the person was hypercritical and angry, but that it wasn’t personal. How, I wondered, could something that felt so personal, not actually be personal? The therapist’s reaction…that is who the person is, and the person will remain that way until he or she is no longer angry and hypercritical. I finally realized that I did not deserve to be treated with anger and hypercriticism, that my actions were intended to be helpful and supportive. If the person didn’t realize that, and continued to treat me with anger, how sad for he or she. I had to find a way to reject their behavior, and that came from recognizing that my heart was there for the person, and that was all I could do. “Not reacting” would become my mantra, and it has brought forth the best turning point in my own emotional growth!
Please do not assume this was an easy transition. Nobody wants to be treated poorly and it is demanding to always wonder if what feels personal is or is not. We are conditioned to respond to other’s actions, and turning the other cheek becomes tiresome. But recognizing that we don’t always have to react to what feels to be an insult is within our power. And sometimes, giving the other person the latitude to grow past what they are experiencing is the best gift for both of us, and our relationship.
Admittedly, it took me quite a while to accept that premise. I continued to attempt to change who the person was, wanting him or her to see me as loving and kind, worthy of their love. It became about me and how I wanted to be viewed, and in truth, treated. The magical moment seemed to be, however, when I knew I was kind and loving, and ultimately worthy, and therefore, it didn’t really matter how this person viewed me.
Letting go of other’s perceptions of us is liberating and may fall into the category of knowing and accepting ourselves, making changes where desired and putting forth our best. A worthwhile endeavor? I think so. In fact, I know so, because my relationships are better than ever, and I take that very personally!
Ellen, I can really relate to this observation. Understanding that it wasn’t about me was very liberating. Therapy helped me understand exactly what you expressed. Caring about other people cannot change their negativity. Only we can change how we react to it. Hard when it involves family. I love your observations on life. Keep sharing.
Thank you very much, Gloria. We are always learning more and as long as we are open to the lessons, they will continue to come. We are doing all we can to show love, and unfortunately, that is all we can do. I always admire how you show your love, and know all who know you feel the same, Ellyn
How very true and profound everything you said above is!
I live with my 19 year old grandson (I am the legal guardian) and I love him more than anything in the world!!!
However, not reacting and/or overreacting and/or ignoring some of what I consider his undesirable actions/behaviors is one of my greatest challenges in my life right now.
The real trick, as you noted above, is NOT trying to change him, but instead simply be aware of my reactions to him.
I believe I must give him the freedom to enjoy his journey he’s just beginning, and continue to love the journey I am on!
Excellent advice. Something I will remember.
Are you reading my mind again Ellyn? You know my story, things haven’t improved – I am learning to NOT react & it’s very hard. What we see as guidance, another generation feels is interference – so be it, I’m getting on with my life.
Dear Ellyn,
You’ve shone light on such a liberating human behavior. I used to live my life worrying constantly about what people thought of me, and then trying to mold myself into a version to please them.
Realizing that their reaction/ treatment was more about them than me changed my life.
Merle
Good, good, good!
Very helpful message as I am currently dealing with a troublesome person in my life who I let push my buttons. Her ongoing criticism takes me back to my childhood when I didn’t have the tools, perspective, or self-esteem to deflect this type of behavior.