Our Ostomy Support Group has become a wonderful source of comfort, education, and positivity over the years. We are cohesive and I am proud to say that I have personally spoken with, or had contact with, each and every member at one time or another. In our one-on-one establishing of rapport, we discuss everything on the mind of the ostomate, some things more personal than others. Opening up in the group is more difficult, and I am not referring to anything specific, including “under the covers” conversation. Just being able to say, “This is how I feel…” is a privilege we all appreciate.
At our monthly meeting last week, one of our members said,”Although it is the end of the meeting, I just have to say that sometimes, I am sad when I look at myself.” We all stopped and I saw faces change, look at the screen and actually acknowledge, in unison, “Yes, I feel that way at times.” I realized that in being a cheerleader, always attempting to put a positive face on ostomy or other challenges, I had neglected to leave space for sadness.
There is sadness when we feel our bodies have betrayed us. We can tell ourselves how fortunate we are…and, WE ARE!!! but, we can be sad. As one of the ostomates pointed out, gratitude and grieving can happen simultaneously. Even a decade later, I can remember leaving the shower the day I returned home from my ileostomy and looking at myself in the mirror. “Oh, my G-d, how will I ever look at myself again?” I cried and I cried, knelt on the floor, and couldn’t lift myself to dry. Bruce came into the bathroom and saw a woman in extremis, miserable and actually humiliated. He held me and I sobbed, asking him how he could look at me? He told me that he was very proud of me, that he loved me. I gave myself permission to grieve and then, with infinite gratitude for this lifesaving surgery, I put on my nightgown and slept.
I am so proud of our group, for many reasons, not the least of which is that going deep in our feelings is a way to truly connect, to truly understand, and to truly be with another. The value of intimate conversation is that the other person knows that another has experienced or are even now, experiencing the same emotions and reactions as they.
When people ask me why they should attend a support group of any kind, I simply reply “People need people!” And I would like to add to that, we need others to share confidences, acknowledge they are not alone, and to simply say, “Yes, I have been there, felt that, understand.”
If you need support, please reach out. There truly is nothing new under the sun, and if you are experiencing grief, you may just feel gratitude, as well.