My phone rings and it is an unfamiliar number. Although it may be a solicitor, there is a good chance that it is a new or future Ostomate, a family member of one, or a physician’s office referring one. To that point, more and more physicians are aware that simply providing the surgery to create an ostomy does not mean their patient will know how to begin living their lives, again. At that moment, I must be prepared to become a source of support, but even more importantly, I must be focused and listening intently. I must meet this person reaching out to me where he or she is. Not where I know they will hopefully be in the future.

This “meeting another where they are” is a skill that I have honed for these past 8 years, and I continue to sharpen my ability to “hear” even when the words being said do not fully reveal the pain, confusion, fear, and even devastation lurking behind the conversation. Patients will frequently begin the conversation apologizing for “taking my time” but that time is my commitment to this community I have grown to understand, love and support. Additionally, we must break through the societal negativity of discussing “that part of their body” and that which is done in the bathroom. Peeling away each layer helps me to get a sense of what the patient needs, where the patient is on their road to acceptance and the ability to embrace their new life.

This is no different than my friends who are diabetic, are dealing with coronary issues, severe arthritis, or any of the myriad of illnesses and challenges we face as humans. It is so difficult to open to others, to strangers or even those we know peripherally. We may assume the medical community will be our guide, our ombudsman, but, in reality, it is others who are in similar situations who may have more of the answers to navigating new waters. 

My mind returns to the days when I was a young mother with a million questions and countless worries. Reticent to ask the pediatrician many of the myriad questions in my mind, I reached out to my friends who had more experience. The slightest bit of conventional wisdom was enough to help me to gain confidence and take bigger and bigger steps as necessary. I call upon that period of time when counseling a new Ostomate, remembering my own trembling hands as I changed my first diapers or suctioned my baby’s nose. Everything is scary until you do it, and do it, and do it. 

As I pick up the phone to “meet another where he or she is” there is an opportunity to help another become one with their ostomy. I envision my checklist on a chalkboard…health history; are they sleeping; do they have supplies; will they join our support group? And then, depending upon their coping ability, what they really need. That is where I am at my best…listening to what is not being said, not just what they think I want to hear. Digging a little deeper until I extract the kernel that is causing the most pain. From there, the healing begins.

Seeing so many of the “healed” faces on my Zoom screen monthly fills me with confidence that even in the most difficult situations, there is success, there is survival. The ability of each in the group to offer the same support to others builds my pyramid from the bottom up. It gets wider and wider and wider.

Meeting another where they are may not seem to be a big deal, but for all of us, it truly is. We are all capable of making a difference by remembering the days when we were worried, frightened or confused, and thinking how wonderful it would have been if one person was there to take your hand.

 

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