I cannot remember when I realized that things that may feel personal, may not be, and because of that, I did not have to react to them with pain or sadness. In fact, I did not have to react at all, it is a choice I have. Wow! That was an awareness that liberated me, empowering me in ways that I am going to try to explain.

Many years ago, in my therapy, I spoke repeatedly about the behavior of a loved one, lamenting that the person was, in my opinion, hypercritical and frequently angry, misunderstanding me and my intentions and being extremely negative around me. My therapist pointed out that yes, the person was hypercritical and angry, but that it wasn’t personal. How, I wondered, could something that felt so personal, not actually be personal? The therapist’s reaction…that is who the person is, and the person will remain that way until he or she is no longer angry and hypercritical. I finally realized that I did not deserve to be treated with anger and hypercriticism, that my actions were intended to be helpful and supportive. If the person didn’t realize that, and continued to treat me with anger, how sad for he or she.  I had to find a way to reject their behavior, and that came from recognizing that my heart was there for the person, and that was all I could do.  “Not reacting” would become my mantra, and it has brought forth the best turning point in my own emotional growth!

Please do not assume this was an easy transition. Nobody wants to be treated poorly and it is demanding to always wonder if what feels personal is or is not. We are conditioned to respond to other’s actions, and turning the other cheek becomes tiresome. But recognizing that we don’t always have to react to what feels to be an insult is within our power. And sometimes, giving the other person the latitude to grow past what they are experiencing is the best gift for both of us, and our relationship.

Admittedly, it took me quite a while to accept that premise. I continued to attempt to change who the person was, wanting him or her to see me as loving and kind, worthy of their love. It became about me and how I wanted to be viewed, and in truth, treated. The magical moment seemed to be, however, when I knew I was kind and loving, and ultimately worthy, and therefore, it didn’t really matter how this person viewed me.

Letting go of other’s perceptions of us is liberating and may fall into the category of knowing and accepting ourselves, making changes where desired and putting forth our best. A worthwhile endeavor? I think so. In fact, I know so, because my relationships are better than ever, and I take that very personally!

 

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