Many ostomates tell me they feel isolated by their new anatomy, embarrassed and as if they are hiding something, and I assume anyone with a body issue may feel similarly. Society demands we look a certain way, and that deems anyone who is different must feel they do not “belong.” Couple that with the misunderstanding many have about body differences and it becomes easier to avoid people, places and events. In my many conversations with stoma patients, or friends dealing with health issues that change their appearance, I can absolutely state the perception there is perfection “out there” is incorrect. We are all imperfect, but our ostomy is our lifesaver, as are other procedures that are possible due to the miracle of modern medicine!
When I was anorexic and bulimic, I isolated myself, turning all of my fear and self-hatred inward. I created a world where it was much more comfortable to be alone, away from the judgement of others. Feeling a failure, I reinforced my need to hide by believing what I looked like mattered to anyone else. It was a very slow climb out of the rabbit hole in which I had put myself. My self-liberation came when I learned my body was mine to care for and eventually cherish. Additionally, I focused on my pride in treating others with grace and kindness, and now, it was my turn to do the same for myself, including treating with grace and kindness my own imperfect body. As I embraced the fact that I was the only judge that mattered, I began to look differently at myself in order to find my equilibrium.
I take very seriously the mentoring I do with the ostomy community. After establishing a comfortable rapport which is necessary for the intimacy to proceed forward, one of the first questions I ask is how the ostomate is feeling about their body? The reaction I receive reveals what work we have ahead of us. Until the patient can accept themselves, it will be hard to move forward. My assumption is that is how others with health issues also move forward. Once the patient has confidence in me, I stress how fortunate we are to have had this lifesaving surgery, that nobody ever has to know they have an ostomy, and that there is almost nothing they are unable to do because of their stoma.
My monthly support group meetings bring together those who are new to the ostomy world, with veterans of decades, and everything in between. At a recent meeting, one lady shared with the group that she finally left her home to go to Church after many months of isolation. We clapped and cheered for her, letting her know she was a true winner. We were so proud of her, and she felt the same about herself!
Finding the right clothes you really like and learning what minimizes my pouch has not been too difficult. I typically shop in a few stores and I remind them periodically of my pouch. They always respond with being very positive! There are so many things people have to deal with to look “normal” and keeping my pouch emptied often and flattering clothes seem like I’ve been doing this for ages. It’s just 3 years in October but I feel SO good compared to how I did feel… life is as good as we make it in our minds ….
Dear Ellyn,
Your bravery and journey speak volumes to those with recent surgeries or other disfiguring conditions. We live in very superficial, judgmental times. Even people without stomas or other body changing conditions feel self – conscious and judged. How much harder is it for ostomates to develop a healthy self image. God bless Ellyn for her valuable work.
I still have not accepted my new body and it has been almost two years. Wearing a bathing suit that covers my pouch, when I used to wear a bikini with a tight, flat stomach. It’s hard for me to except, especially when I have functional issues with my stoma. I hope that someday I come to accept this new body.
Your thoughts are so inspiring. I agree facing major body changes is hard for everyone. Adjusting to having an ostomate must be incredibly hard. You are doing amazing work in helping them. Again u are amazing!