The holidays are over, and I am not sad to see them go. We are expected to respond to the call for reveling, gift-giving and sharing hugs and kisses. And admittedly, sometimes we don’t feel like being so cheerful and light-hearted. The idea of the ideal…gathered family and friends dressed in their finest, or pure white snowflakes falling on roads leading to cabins in the woods…images that may elude us, often times make us feel “less than” everyone else. It feels as if we are different because the “holiday spirit” is felt in ways that are not as brilliantly colored in our minds.

For me, there feels a loneliness at this time of year, and I recognize the feeling in its annual visit, bringing me sadness that is heavy in its shroud. This sadness seems to come from two places: the first is that our children and their children have busy and independent lives, and although that is wonderful, and we are so proud of their involvements and accomplishments,  there is a feeling of irrelevance during a time when everything seems to be about family and togetherness. Even spending time together has its inevitable conclusion, and the feelings of separation overtake me.

Additionally, I am a creature of habit, and days off encroach on the routine of my life, which I depend upon for structure and a feeling of self-worth. Awaken early, breakfast accompanied by my mind puzzles, exercise and stretch my muscles and strengthen my abdomen, and enjoy a warm shower before dressing. And then I look to my day to be the most productive I can be, before I succumb to a mandatory daily nap to compensate for the 4-5 times I am awakened at night by my full pouch, which requires emptying. It isn’t a demanding schedule, but it makes me feel part of the world. Getting off of that merry-go-round for the holidays makes me feel tilted, and I have to emit so much energy attempting to get my equilibrium.

No longer a neophyte at recognizing time passes ever faster each year at my age, I realize I want to replace feeling sad and lonely with making a change for the positive. Just as I believe my ileostomy has changed my life for the better, I know there is so much more I will do to help and support others in my situation. This year, the year in front of us, with the unknowns larger than imaginable, my resolution is strong: whenever possible, I will acknowledge my gratitude and appreciation for all of my gifts and for my strength and happiness, and I will do all I can to help others acknowledge theirs.

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